Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Keys Disease Defined

Keys Disease
___________________________________________
From Lynnkipedia - a totally bogus free encyclopedia

   Not to be confused with Locks Disease

Keys Disease (Clavis Morbus) is an infectious, but rarely fatal, disease affecting humans ( homo sapiens). It is believed to be air borne.  In some instances felines (cats) especially the feral variety are affected by or may be carriers of the disease.  The infection causes several days of euphoria and high excitement, followed by malaise and an indifference to time commitments and obligations.

Keys disease is a severe plague on organized activities and the ability to move projects ahead at any rate of speed.  In its most infectious state it is capable of totally destroying the concept of a deadline.  Most susceptible to contamination are boaters, fishermen, sunbathers, lap swimmers, conch lovers and just about anyone who wanders below mile marker 126.5 on the Overseas Highway, also known as U.S. 1 in the farthest southeast reaches of the United States.


Causes/ Signs and Symptoms
______________________________________________

Ocean breezes. intense sunshine, abundant fishing and a party atmoshere are thought to cause Keys Disease.  Some researchers are studying the part that coral reefs may play in the proliferation of the disease.  Although there is evidence that Native Americans came to the Keys as early as 3000 B.C., it was not until the 16th century that others arrived there.  The first settlers were Spanish fishermen who came from Cuba, a mere 90 miles to the south.  There is no documentation of Keys Disease in those early days.
The earliest symptoms can be traced back to the days of Ernest Hemingway.  Many of those affected have outward symptoms of "Hemingway Wannabe", which is most often contracted by over the hill retired men from the Midwest. Other symptoms include uncontrollable urges to sing "Wasting Away in Margaritaville" with a longneck in hand and a plate of deep fried something or other in front of you.

Clinical Signs
__________________________

Bare Feet, often with ankle bracelets and/or toe rings
Unshaven faces on men
Over- sized sunglasses on women
Deep tans, often with creases around eyes and mouth
Tropical or Harley themed tattoos
Absence of timepieces
Ignorance of national political news

Treatment
_________________________

Treatment must take place on the mainland.  There is no effective way to fight Keys Disease while actually in the Keys.  For short term treatment, a trip to the craziness of Miami traffic may provide temporary relief.

Long term treatment must involve travel to the North or Midwest, preferably during a snow storm, and for longer lasting results, a blizzard.



Prognosis
___________________________

Unfortunately, the only permanent cure for Keys Disease is abstinence from travel on the southernmost reaches of U.S. 1. 

Fortunately, since the disease is not fatal, periodic travel to the Keys is not physically or mentally life threatening and may, in fact, prolong life for those who expose themselves prudently.

12 comments:

  1. Fell prey to this condition a few years ago-looking forward to a repeat performance.Our timing was impeccable-left behind a major snowstorm in New York.Met some other awesome sufferers incl.the invincible and fabulous author of this article.Hopeful that my physician prescribes an Rx for the winter blues and recommends that I become afflicted with this disease.Hopeful that next year I will suffer with this condition.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Well written! I am a patient for I have the disease!

    ReplyDelete
  3. they say rum eventually kills the virus unless your liver gives out first.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Tequilla also works - or at least you get the feeling that it is working. Whatever....

      Delete
  4. before you arrived with the term keys disease we women knew it as the luciferous lust for light. long before your time <3

    ReplyDelete
  5. i am for the first time here. I found this board and I in finding It truly helpful & it helped me out a lot. I hope to present something back and help others such as you helped me.
    best drug and alcohol treatment centers

    ReplyDelete
  6. Hi..I'm Wendy and I also have keys disease...lol...I today am going through some Prety serious withdral symptoms for it has only been a few hours that I am back on the main land ...I went into some serious emotional break down going over the 7 Mile bride headed north ...knowing I was driving away ...against my will...unfortunately NJ awaits me with all the realities of work ..drama..stress.....for this feeling kicks this disease into full gear ... wondering...hummmm....should I turn the car around ?? Can I start NEW...live the island life ? ...yes ...I belive the keys disease is VERY real...and not looking for a known cure ...lol

    ReplyDelete
  7. Hi..I'm Wendy and I also have keys disease...lol...I today am going through some Prety serious withdral symptoms for it has only been a few hours that I am back on the main land ...I went into some serious emotional break down going over the 7 Mile bride headed north ...knowing I was driving away ...against my will...unfortunately NJ awaits me with all the realities of work ..drama..stress.....for this feeling kicks this disease into full gear ... wondering...hummmm....should I turn the car around ?? Can I start NEW...live the island life ? ...yes ...I belive the keys disease is VERY real...and not looking for a known cure ...lol

    ReplyDelete

  8. While giving presentation to the special committee, Secretary Schools Education Punjab Dr Allah Bakhsh Malik explained the legal framework for private educational institutions in the province and said that complaints regarding charging of high fee received from parents are regularly addressed. However, in most of cases, parents do not file complaints in writing, he added.

    fsd board result 5th class 2018
    5th class pec result 2018
    pec 8th class result 2018

    ReplyDelete
  9. I have long felt a special connection with herbal medicine. First, it's natural, Charlie attended the same small college in Southern California - Claremont Men's College - although he dropped out of school to enroll in the Julliard School of Performing Arts in New York. York. Had he been to Claremont, he would have been senior the year I started there; I often thought that was the reason he was gone when he discovered that I had herpes. So, my life was lonely, all day, I could not stand the pain of the outbreak, and then Tasha introduced me to Dr. Itua who uses her herbal medicines to cure her two weeks of consumption. I place an order for him and he hands it to my post office, then I pick it up and use it for two weeks. All my wound is completely healed no more epidemic. I tell you honestly that this man is a great man, I trust him Herbal medicine so much that I share this to show my gratitude and also to let sick people know that there is hope with Dr. Itua. Herbal Phytotherapy.Dr Itua Contact Email.drituaherbalcenter@gmail.com/Whatsapp ... 2348149277967
    He cures.
    Herpes,
    Breast Cancer
    Brain Cancer
    CEREBRAL VASCULAR ACCIDENT.
    Hepatitis,Glaucoma., Cataracts,Macular degeneration,Cardiovascular disease,Lung disease.Enlarged prostate,Osteoporosis.Alzheimer's disease,
    Dementia.Tach Disease,Shingles,
    Lung Cancer
    H.P.V TYPE 1 TYPE 2 TYPE 3 AND TYPE 4. TYPE 5.
    HIV,Arthritis,Amyotrophic Lateral Scoliosis,Fibromyalgia,Fluoroquinolone Toxicity
    Cervical Cancer
    Colo-rectal Cancer
    Blood Cancer
    SYPHILIS.
    Diabetes
    Liver / Inflammatory kidney
    Epilepsy

    ReplyDelete
  10. Hello everyone, i'm Linda Harry from United State i was diagnosed with Parkinson Disease  for over 6 years which made me loose my job and my relationship with my Fiance after he discovered that i was having Parkinson, he departed from me, and i tried all my best to make him stays, but he neglected me until a friend of mine  from UK told me Great healer, who will restore my life back with his powerful healing herbal medicine. then he  sent me his email address to contact him- drimolaherbalmademedicine@gmail.com. and i quickly contacted him, and he said my condition can be solved, that he will treat the disease immediately only if i can accept trust on him and accept his terms and condition, i Agreed because i was so much in need of help by all means, so i did all he instructed me to do. And surprisingly after two weeks, He sent me a text, that i should hurry up to the hospital for a checkup, which i truly did, i confirm from my doctor that i am now ( PARKINSON NEGATIVE) my eyes filled with tears and joy, crying heavily because truly the disease deprived me of many things from my life, This is a Miracle, dr imoloa also uses his powerful herbal medicine to cure the following diseases:  lupus disease,  mouth ulcer,  mouth cancer, body pain, fever, hepatitis A.B.C.,   syphilis,  diarrhea,  HIV/AIDS,  Huntington's Disease,   back acne,  Chronic renal failure,   addison disease,  Chronic Pain,   Crohn's Disease,   Cystic Fibrosis,  Fibromyalgia,   Inflammatory Bowel Disease,  fungal nail disease, Lyme Disease, Celia disease, Lymphoma, Major Depression,  Malignant Melanoma,   Mania,  Melorheostosis,   Meniere's Disease,  Mucopolysaccharidosis , Multiple Sclerosis,  Muscular Dystrophy,  Rheumatoid Arthritis, Alzheimer's Disease, parkison disease, vaginal cancer, epilepsy,  Anxiety Disorders, Autoimmune Disease,   Back Pain,  Back Sprain,   Bipolar Disorder,  Brain Tumour,  Malignant,   Bruxism, Bulimia,  Cervical Disk Disease, cardiovascular disease, Neoplasms, chronic respiratory disease,  mental and behavioural disorder,     Cystic Fibrosis,   Hypertension, Diabetes, asthma,  Inflammatory autoimmune-mediated arthritis.  chronic kidney disease, inflammatory joint disease,  impotence,  feta alcohol spectrum,  Dysthymic Disorder,   Eczema, tuberculosis,  Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, constipation, inflammatory bowel disease, bone cancer, lung cancer. contact him on email- drimolaherbalmademedicine@gmail.com. and also on whatssap- +2347081986098

    ReplyDelete
  11. Most prostate cancers are adenocarcinomas, cancers that arise in glandular cells of the prostate’s epithelial tissue. Prostate cancers usually progress slowly and produce no symptoms in the initial stages. Eventually, the tumor may enlarge like mine use too, the prostate gland, pressing on the urethra and causing painful or frequent urination and blood in the urine. So I was so uncomfortable with this prostate cancer diseases then I decided to do online search on how to cure cancer because I well have read a lot about herbal medicine, I came across a lot of testimony how Dr Itua cure HIV/herpes then Cancer was listed below the comment.with courage I contacted Dr Itua and he sent me his herbal medicine through Courier service then I was asked to pick it up at my post office which i quickly did. I contacted Dr Itua that i have received my herbal medicine so he instructs me on how to drink it for three weeks and that is how Dr Itua Herbal Medicine cure my prostate Cancer, The treatment takes three weeks and I was cured completely. Dr Itua is a god sent and I thank him every day of my life. Contact him now On:Email:drituaherbalcenter@gmail.com/   Whatsapp:+2348149277967.
    He listed to that he can as well cure the following diseases below.... Cerebral Amides. Lung Cancer,Brain cancer,Esophageal cancer,Gallbladder cancer,Gestational trophoblastic disease,Head and neck cancer,Hodgkin lymphoma Intestinal cancer,Kidney cancer,Leukemia,Liver cancer,Melanoma,Mesothelioma,Multiple myeloma,Neuroendocrine tumors,Hodgkin lymphoma,Oral cancer,Ovarian cancer,Sinus cancer,Soft tissue sarcoma,Spinal cancer,Stomach cancer,Meniere's disease , Testicular cancer,Throat cancer,Thyroid Cancer,Uterine cancer,Vaginal cancer,Vulvar cancer. Alzheimer's disease,Autism,measles, tetanus, whooping cough, tuberculosis, polio and diphtheria Adrenocortical carcinoma. Alma, Uterine Cancer, Breast Cancer, Allergic diseases. Kidney cancer, Love Spell, Glaucoma., Cataracts,Macular degeneration,Cardiovascular disease,Lung disease.Enlarged prostate,Osteoporosis.Generalized dermatitis,Alzheimer's disease,Brain Tumor,Lupus,Endomertil Cancer, cerebrovascular diseases  
    Dementia.Colo rectal cancer, Lottery Spell, Bladder Cancer, Skin Cancer,Ovarian Cancer,Pancreatic Cancer, HIV /Aids,Brain Tumor, Herpes, Non-Hodgkin lymphoma, Inflammatory bowel disease, Copd, Diabetes, Hepatitis  

    ReplyDelete